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| 2008 JOURNAL
FEBRUARY-5:
im sorry for everything i've done to you. for cheating, lying, everything. i'm over jarrett. i don't like calvin. i'm not lying to you. calvin was a mere disraction to get over you because i knew you liked ashley. i just don't understand how you could want to be with me just a few days ago and now you dont want it. i didn't realize what i had, and now that i'm about to lose you i do. i should have seen it before. you were always here for me, you're a part of me and i cant lose that. you're the most amazing person to ever come into my life. we can get through anything. we got through jarrett and we can get through this.
i can't function without you. i cant eat since this all has happened, i throw up every time i get really upset about this. yesterday i just cried, ALL day in school. i can't stop shaking. i can't do anything. i cant be without you. i know we can work through this. i just need you. please don't throw away everything we have. this has been more than enough of a way for you to get back at me if it's what you wanted. i'm hurt really fucking bad and i know how you've felt for the past year. i'll never make you wait for me again. i'll never lie to you. i'll change everything you need me to change. but i'll need help from you and i'll make it as easy as possible. this isn't the end. last year around now, i thought it was the end. i want to be with you so badly, brian. it hurts. i'll stay with you forever and i wont fuck up. i promise i wont fuck up again. i fucking promise you that. i'll be everything you want me and more.
i'm not trying to give up all dignity. because i still have some, hopefully. i'll put everything into this relationship if you could just help me make it work.
i dont want anyone else. i just want you and only you.
i wont let you throw this away. i'm trying my hardest to get you back.
in the beginning of it, it's gonna be hard. i don't mind if you and ashley are friends. i just need to get used to it, but i need help from you with that. i was ridiculous and controlling. i wont ever control you again. i was fucked up as hell of me to do. but if you're with ashley i couldnt take it. i couldnt be friends with you. thats not me being stubborn, i just couldnt handle it. i don't know what i'd do. i'd probably kill myself or something. i get so stupid when i'm like this, you know that. i miss you so much. i miss being with you and how happy we were.
i know you want me to feel what you did, and hurt like you did. and i am, this is fucking killing me. but i can only live like this for so long. i'll wait forever for you, if it's what you really need. but please take into consideration how badly this is hurting me. don't come down to my level and hurt me as much as i hurt you. dont lower down to me. your better than that. you're amazing.
i promise you i wont be like my dad. because that's how i'm being. i was being an asshole to you and controlling you i love you so much brian. i swear to you if we ever get back together i'll wave it off to everyone. i'd be so proud to be with you again. people will know that i have what i need, and you have what you need, and everything will be ok. i'll never let anyone come between us again. nobody compares to how you are to me. nobody could measure up to what you mean to me and how much i love you. i just love you so much i cant fucking take it. i'd spend the rest of my life with you even if it meant i cant be supported the way my parents do, i dont care. we could be dirt poor and i'd still be happy to be with you. you're the only thing i need. and without you i feel like i cant fucking live.
It must be your skin that I'm sinking in
It must be for real cause now I can feel
And I didn't mind, it's not my kind
It's not my time to wonder why
Everything gone white, everything's grey
Now you're here, now you're away
I don't want this, remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
Don't let the days go by
Glycerine, Glycerine
I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time
Are you at one or do you lie
We live in a wheel where everyone steals
But when we rise it's like strawberry fields
I treated you bad, you bruised my face
Couldn't love you more, you've got a beautiful taste
Don't let the days go by
Could've been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
Should have been easier by three
Our old friend fear and you and me
Glycerine, Glycerine
Don't let the days go by
Glycerine
Don't let the days go by
Glycerine, Glycerine
Glycerine, Glycerine
Bad moon white again
Bad moon white again
As she falls around me
I needed you more when we wanted us less
I could not kiss, just regress
It might just be clear simple and plain
Well that's just fine, that's just one of my names
Don't let the days go by
It could've been easier on you, you, you
Glycerine, Glycerine
Glycerine, Glycerine
________________________________________________
FEBRUARY-22
so much is shoved to the back of our minds that build until they explode, creating emotions that will take over my sense, sanity and capability to reason with you. they make me selfish and i can't control it. everything we knew of, completely ruined. all trust is lost. make him happy and imply that it's just fear. we are perfect, you and i. sanity depends on his decisions, but he doesn't know it. mind, health, and ultimately ego is spinning and losing itself in emotion. nothing has changed, except that all has been ignored to make him not worry. while the constant chaos weakens your sanity, you feed from his energy to keep you alive and bitterly conscious. giving hope and a sense of safety. he won't subside. it's always there.
©
am i losing my fucking mind?
i am losing my fucking mind.
________________________________________________
MARCH-23
Arielle Romano: i know/think you love me even though i SOMETIMES have second thoughts on whether or not you do
Arielle Romano: but for the most part i do
Brian Murphy: why do you have second thoughts?
Arielle Romano: i just get scared
Brian Murphy: dont be
Arielle Romano: dont give me reasons to be
Brian Murphy: i dont
Brian Murphy: you think i do?
Brian Murphy: i just want you to know that i love you with all my heart
Brian Murphy: thats why i havn't left you in 5 years
Arielle Romano: i know, i just don't want you to decide that you don't want me anymore
Brian Murphy: im never gonna decide that
Arielle Romano: but sometimes i feel like im trying so hard, almost too hard
Arielle Romano: and it's not good enough
Brian Murphy: your doing perfect babe
Arielle Romano: are you sure
Arielle Romano:cause seriously, i just want to be like.. completely perfect for you and i don't ever want you to feel like i don't care or im not trying
Brian Murphy: babe i know your trying your hardest
Brian Murphy: and i love you for it
| | |
| 2007 JOURNAL
FEBRUARY-12:
you have no idea how much i care about you...
_______: i got 302'd to a hospital in philly
ariiixoxo: what's that mean
ariiixoxo: like flown!?
_______: ambulance
ariiixoxo: WHY
_______: depression
ariiixoxo: dude holy shit
ariiixoxo: did you have a breakdown or something?
_______: yeah
_______: and i was at my counselor
_______: and she figured out
_______: i was going to commit suicide
i love you...
______________________________________________________
MARCH-2:
Jarrett's dating Rachel.
I guess he brought it up earlier in the week.
i don't know how i feel about him.
i've never cried over him
but he hurts me so much.
i don't know what to think anymore.
he hurt me so much.
i know i should be getting over it by now
but i can't, because he means so much to me.
Priscilla talks to me about him all the time, i hate it though
because its always consistent.
"jarrett asked me to a party..."
"jarrett wants to hangout with me"
i feel like she's secretly out to get me.
i think i have a slight case of paranoia.
but if i think i have it
then i dont
but when I'm home alone at night
i cant do anything
i have to keep all the lights on
and sit in my kitchen
and if i hear a noise i run upstairs
and i cant sleep without taking the covers off
Imo always scared
im always scared there's someone out to get me.
but i miss him so much
he made me feel so good about myself
why, i have no idea.
he just did
he had this way of making me feel confident in what i did
and that i could carry any conversation with him and not feel weird.
except when it came to relationships
thats when i felt uncomfortable,
he didn't like talking about that with me.
he's fucking up his life so bad by fucking this girl.
what he's doing
its just bad.
today i've been wondering what would have happened
if i never told brian
or robyn
and just kept this whole thing to myself
we'd still be friends
and maybe even dating
since thats what he did with her
i remember a month ago or so
he told me he doesn't understand the point of dating
when the other person is just going to get hurt anyway
one of them is going to cheat on the other. so why not keep it as hooking up?
maybe he was just trying to tell me something...
i don't know.
he has weird mental messages that you just need to understand.
whatever happens, happens.
maybe he'll come back to me.
______________________________________________________
MARCH-4:
i think that im really depressed.
i just want to be a happy person.
but i was only that person when i had friends
and medication
my sisters allowed to have medicine
but im not
because i need to learn how to live without it
my mom says
i hate her
she ruins every good thing i have.
i gauged my ears last night and now shes mad at me
because she doesnt like them
she wants me to be something im not
and i dont want to be that
and i hate her for making me try to live up to it
shes the reason why i have no friends anymore
because she made me leave pennridge in 8th grade
and made me lose all my friends there
so now when i came back i only have one
she ruined our family too
she thinks it was dad but yeah
partially it was but she also had something to do with it
her stupid fucking drunken rages.
she thinks that we never do anything for her
and it all revolves around us.
i think that if shes gonna be that way then she shouldnt've had children.
because thats extremely selfish of her
considering the fact that we DO focus our lives on her.
we try and do shit to make her feel bettter and we dont get jack shit for it.
im so sick of her.
i cant be who i am
because she wants me to be a fucking preppyass bitch.
i hate people like that
everyone does
and i dont wantt o be that
i just want to fit in with the people i like
ive never been a preppy kindof girl
and ive tried
seriously
but im just not like that
and she just wont accept it
and i need her to
im a vegitarian now
and she wont accept that either
im so tired of her not being supportive of who i am.
i just want to be the person i want to be
im happy that way
but she wont let me
see, she ruins every good thing in my life.
i hate her right now.
i hate her for taking jarrett away from me.
she knew what was going on with him.
and she took him away from me.
she is at the heart of my unhappiness.
shes always threatening me to move to florida
i cant wait to look back on this and laugh about it.
she wanted to have a "bonding" day yesterday
her idea of bonding is doing what she wants
which was going to the franklin institute, then chicky and petes? and then a wings game
i hate philadelphia, you need to know that about me.
i really really do. im not a city person because i always get grumpy when i go there so i wanted to save her the aggrivation of getting in a fight and telling her that i dont want to go to philly. but she has to be the selfish bitch she is and force me to go. but then she realized that i wouldnt be nice to her if she made me so she just took me out to lunch at a place where all they served was meat. and i got a salad and she critisized that. once again, unsupportive.
she is seriously the worst mother alive. and she knows it.
will she do anything? no, of course not
i need to be happy again.
i have no point to my life anymore
i just want to be happy and have friends and just have everything i used to
but now i have NOTHING.
i have no personality, im not outgoing anymore, i dont have friends, my family hates me. i dont have anything. i feel like my dad, and i dont want to feel that way. i dont want to be him.
i hate her so much
______________________________________________________
APRIL-18:
mxrrdxx:you don't know whats going on?
xaxxi xix: no
xaxxi xix: tah hell is going on
mxrrdxx: everyone's talking about you & ___ _______ mainly, & __ _____ ____ ____ & ____ were called down too because they think we're going to start a shooting friday
xaxxi xix: LMAO
xaxxi xix:: why me
xaxxi xix: i havent said anything lately
mxrrdxx: apparently everyone is going to be searched & only 2 entrances will be open friday & cops will be everywhere
xaxxi xix: LMAO
xaxxi xix: they can search my fucking asscrack
______________________________________________________
MAY-20:
i can faintly remember the last time i saw you.
we watched tv, redeemed our song "this years love" by david gray.
it was around 10:45 that you were leaving
i begged you not to go. i wanted to stay with you
but you told me i have to go to bed, i had school in the morning.
we stood next to my table in front of the back door
i stared into your eyes trying so desperately to speak to you through them.
but all i saw was my reflection.
your eyes, they're so black.
i can see right through you.
______________________________________________________
MAY-25:
i never talk about my friends or anyone in my journals, i dont really find the need to. i always think that when i get older i'll remember them and i wont ever need to write and give reminders. sometimes in middle school i would write about my friends, for some reason middle school is a surreal blur to me. as if none of it ever happened. all of my past is a blur. i feel like i only live now. just this moment and never before and never in the future. i cant predict my future, it's impossible. i dont know where i'll be in 5 years. college? possibly. probably a community college. will i still be friends with robyn and brian? will i have other friends? will i have a boyfriend. i wish i could see into my future just like all of the overachievers in my school can. they all know what college theyre going to, what they want to be, where they're living. it's all so real to them and i have no idea where im going from here. i feel like life is just not happening for me. everythings boring.
______________________________________________________
JUNE-30:
"I'm Sorry."
i'm sorry for everything i did to you. i'm sorry for turning you into this fucking person you've become. it's all my fault. i did it for my own, personal, selfish reasons and if i could take back every second of your metamorphasis i would. the person you are today is my doing, but it's not at the same time. it might have been ironic that you left for college a month later and came back a new person. whatever it was, i wish i could fix it. it's hard to imagine this was just starting a year ago. hah, alot of things can happen in a year. you were so amazing back then. you made me feel like i was worth something, like i actually had purpouse. or maybe this is an exadderated emotion turning this into a figure of my imagination. i had been going for a while ignoring you and not even thinking about you and then suddenly it came flowing back to me. i can watch a movie and see someone who can look the slightest bit like you and start to feel it. i hear certain songs, noises. be in certain places. anything triggers it. i listened to a song tonight and it dwelled on me that this is my fault, and i changed you because i'm selfish and i was stupid last year and wanted you to change for me, or i wanted you to become someone like me so you could see something, and we could be together. haha, i was so stupid. i cant tell you how much i regret you and how much i wonder what life would be like without you. i know you can go on forever and never give me a second thought. i know you'll meet some amazing girl and fall in love with her. she'll clean you up and you'll have a steady and amazing life. i'll be happy for you. my life will go on, so will yours. we'll soon stop talking to eachother. but in the back of my mind i always hope you'll have a sortof.. epiphany. just to realize that i'll never be over this. and if i ever am it will be a miracle. the last time i saw you i thought that maybe that was it and i wanted nothing to do with you. i hated you that day, i hated how you treated me. the only sense of security with you that i felt was when you told me you wont let me fall.
the funny thing is i've never cried over you, only once or twice. tonight i cried, i really cried. i dont know what it means. i dont know whats gonna become of this. i'm so sorry for everything.
______________________________________________________
JULY-4:
"That place in my mind, is that space you call mine."
i constantly think about you. WHY do i think about you all the time? i hate you so much, honestly i really do. you drive me crazy. i hate how you act towards me and how you fucked me over. i really need to get over this. the fact that i always dwell on what could have been isnt healthy. and i know you dont give me 2 seconds of thought. sometimes i wonder if you ever REALLY think about me... do you? i cant imagine how you would. whenever we would go downstairs for a cigarette and i would get cold you wouldnt like putting your arm around me to keep me warm. you just wanted sex. so why am i so fucking stuck on you? why cant i just move on as i have from other people. it's been a year since our entire.. whatever you wanna call it, i dont even know. i wonder what you're doing right now and who you're with. haha, what kinds of fucking std's you have. you had an amazing life, yano that? you had it all fucking made for you. your grandfather has a buisness RIGHT HERE. IN FORT MYERS. and you threw it away.. for what? fucking drugs. i used to love smoking, drinking, all that good stuff. i blame you for making me hate it. seriously, i used to smoke in december and after that, every other time i smoked i hated it. i felt like i was going to die and my heart would race, i have panic attacks every time i do drugs now. i dont mind drinking as much. but i hate being around drunk people and i hate when my friends drink. they remind me of you. i remember one night, it was when i tried to erase you from my life completely. i deleted your screename, facebook, myspace, and phone number and every little thing i had that reminded me of you and you texted me at 3 in the morning. drunk. you didnt even remember we were fighting. i just wish you had never gone to college. things would be so different now if you had gone to montco or something local. not penn fucking state. i hate penn state because of you now too, and all your little girlfriends names, especially Priscilla.
everything reminds me of you. every song i listen to that has the least bit of emotion in it. its strange though, because i dont cry. i just.. get really upset? i cant cry over you. only twice i've cried over you. it just hurts. i don't know what it is that hurts, its everything. i heard in a movie once that divorce doesnt kill you. it tears you to pieces, but it doesnt kill you. its the same with heartbreak. it doesnt fucking kill you. but i wish it did. i wish i could be some kindof guide for you and help you go back to having a good life. but like i always say, you're going to meet an amazing girl and she'll set you straight. probably like.. that Rebecca girl from penn state. you'll get married, have children and everything will be ok for you. i can just see it. but i hope someday. when you've grown up and realize what you've done and just how much you hurt me.. you feel like absolute shit. no.. the apitomy of shit. just pure scum. i want you to HATE yourself. i have a daily reminder of you on my arm. people notice it, and i regret it. but its there and it probably will never go away. i have reminders of you everywhere. every light blue car i see that looks even relatively like yours i look to see who's in it. and ive not seen you yet. i cant go into quakertown without being rediculously paranoid that you'll be somewhere. i can't smoke a cigarette without thinking of you. i cant do fucking anything without thinking of you. i know you dont feel the same way. i know you dont care about me. and yes, it really does bother me. but i cant do anything about it. i cant force you to care. i cant force you to do anything. you need to do it on your own. if you read any of these entries i've written to you, you'd think im an absolutely insane, obsessive person. its not that im insane and obsessed. its that you broke my fucking heart, and you never fixed it. and you're never going to. i cant fucking write anymore of this. i fucking hate you.
| | |
| everything is so great, it's just so fucking great.
summer's been off to an amazing start
i love my life, boyfriend, and friends. | | |
| incubus in concert.. was.. like mind fucking
brandon was amazing, kilmore, mike, ben, jose. all of them
amazing.
although the heat was unbearable, we survived haha.
we got there, walked in and bought water. made our way to the front of the crowd.
some band came on, we dont remember their names. then the bravery played at 8 up until probably around 9.15
it took the crew a long time to set up for incubus and i was really really hot and unhappy
but as soon as they came on i forgot. everyone started jumping around, falling, pushing, everything. we were in the very front. it was incredible. seeing brandon boyd live OH MY GOD. i cant even describe it.
sitting down to have a drink, some girl came and sat with us and complained that her coach sunglasses were broken and her juicy couture dress was drenched in sweat and how horrible the pit was.
it was funny.
seeing all these people pass out and get rushed to the med center. and seeing people we were surrounded by in the put get thrown out for fighting, hahaha. some kid was talking on his cell on rediculous drugs, spinning in circles into the fence.
the concert ended around... 10:30/11. we bought sweatshirts.
by far the greatest experience of my life | | |
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i love my life | | |
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